i've been thinking about my past and what I've done and what I've put myself through a lot recently. And I think it's time i stopped being vague and hinting what I've been through and what I can't get over and everything.
As far back as I can remember, I haven't been happy. I wasn't ever depressed, aside from maybe a couple years or bits and pieces here and there of my life, but I wasn't happy.
It had to have started in Elementary school. I wasn't cool. I was the kid everyone picked on. I don't know how that happened, but it did. and I blame that for the entire rest of my life. I was made fun of for liking horses, that was the main thing. kids had a hayday on that one.
It pretty much continued all the way through elementary school. Middle school hit and it receded a little. But I still felt like no one liked me. It was further conceted by the fact that there was ONE kid in my class that hated me. I hated him back just as hard. Even in grade 7 when my friends made me a card because I was moving he wrote on it "I won't miss you." How heartless. Oh, and there was another girl in the school, she wasn't in my class though, but she hated me too. I never understood why. I made fun of her after she started making fun of me and then I didn't hear of it again. haha.
Summer camp was another factor in my life. I went every year up til the summer before grade 7. That last summer was possibly one of the most amazing ones of my entire youth. I met three amazing kids I spent one entire week with. Rhianna, Zac and Kyle. The four of us were inseperable for that week. Rhianna and Zac were beyond cute, they were almost like a couple? I don't really know, it was so long ago. I just remember being totally and hopelessly in love with Kyle. it was BRUTAL. I actually still think of him on occasion, 9? years later.
Anyway, then I moved to Caistor. I never made a single friend at that school. Everyone was so fake. I hated it. I hated it so much. I had to endure two years of that. Then I went to high school, which wasn't much better. Trust me when I say I hated high school. That's when I was actually depressed. Grade 10 was hard for me. Not the work or anything, but in my head. I was having a hard time getting friends and keeping them. I had a couple from Hamilton ditch me and that hit me hard. I had been shut down for the school play that year, and that hit me hard too. Drama class was pretty brutal too. I had girls in that class that hated me for some reason. I didn't let it show that that bothered me though, I just sent them snappy remarks back. Mostly insulting their intelligence.
I got shut down by guys right and left too. I never, ever had luck with guys. Ever.
So everything that happened that year contributed to probably the worst couple months of my life. I was despressed. Hardcore. Around my 16th birthday i was pretty much the lowest I had ever been. No one in my real life knew. I was withdrawn a bit yeah, but other than occasional mood swings I feel like I hid it pretty well.
The next year I tried out for, and made in a way, the improv team. Through that I met a lot of new people at South and a few from GSS as well. And an amazing things happened through the day we went to the improv workshop. I managed to get teamed up with this guy named Max. We basically did the activitied as fast as we could then sat around and talked all day. I gave him my email that day and I talked to him a few times on MSN but nothing ever came of it. The day my team competed in the Improv games though, I was cut from the team. That pretty much ruined my self esteem.
I finally found a group of girls that took me as I was in Grade 11. I hung out with them and I still talk to three of them to this day, four years later. But the problem was, it was too late. I had put in my papers to go to GSS for Grade 12.
That summer, I met someone who like... liked me. His name was Josh and he lived in Missouri. A part, a LARGE part of my life was lived online, because I didn't feel like I could talk to anyone I knew in real life. So I went online with it. I had a plethora of online journals and communities I was a part of, but none of them as large or as influential as Dashtabs. I met tons of people who meant a lot to me at the time there. I actually still talk to a handful of them. I first joined Dashtabs in the summer of 2002, but it wasn't til 2003 that I started going there and chatting on the message boards religiously. Somehow I met Josh and we started talking and eventually we "dated" if you could call it that. I spent a lot of time talking to him and we actually did meet in real life and he was my first kiss. At 17. We were together for two years before we called it quits. THAT sent me into a bit of a downward spiral but I trekked through it and the only thing it left me with is a bad taste for relationships and some alright memories.
Before I get into Grade 12, I have to address my work situation. The summer before grade 11 I got a job at Wendy's in Grimsby. I managed to hold out there for four and a half years. Anyway, within that time, I met and befriended a lot of people. Jes being one that I still talk to, Tyler, being another. And all the kids I met later, Braeden, Phil, Cud, etc. Anyway, I became comfortbale there and I had some really good times.
Grade 12 rolled around and I was miserable. I was supposed to concentrate on school so I could get into university but i did exactly the opposite. I screwed around, slept through class and got shit marks. I also failed my first class ever. Fuck you Data Management. The only good thing that came from Grade 12 was rugby. I found a new sport that I liked. And I had a lot of fun playing it. Anyway, I ended my high school career not enjoying myself. Halfway through grade 12 was when I was "together" with Josh so it that took up a lot of my time that should have been spent being a regular teenager.
I went to college the next year, at 17. Niagara College of Applied Arts and Technology. For Journalism-Print.
Which also lead to my brief stint as a photographer and writer and took me to some sweet shows with some sweet bands, most of which don't exist anymore but I still talk to a ton of the people I met. It showed me that I wasn't meant for menial newspaper garbage.
Anyway, that all lead up to me being who I am today, and if you ever was wondering about my past and why I'm the person I am, that's the story.
I'm sure I missed a LOT but that's all I feel like writing right now.
