My past, condensed

i've been thinking about my past and what I've done and what I've put myself through a lot recently. And I think it's time i stopped being vague and hinting what I've been through and what I can't get over and everything.
As far back as I can remember, I haven't been happy. I wasn't ever depressed, aside from maybe a couple years or bits and pieces here and there of my life, but I wasn't happy.
It had to have started in Elementary school. I wasn't cool. I was the kid everyone picked on. I don't know how that happened, but it did. and I blame that for the entire rest of my life. I was made fun of for liking horses, that was the main thing. kids had a hayday on that one.
It pretty much continued all the way through elementary school. Middle school hit and it receded a little. But I still felt like no one liked me. It was further conceted by the fact that there was ONE kid in my class that hated me. I hated him back just as hard. Even in grade 7 when my friends made me a card because I was moving he wrote on it "I won't miss you." How heartless. Oh, and there was another girl in the school, she wasn't in my class though, but she hated me too. I never understood why. I made fun of her after she started making fun of me and then I didn't hear of it again. haha.
Summer camp was another factor in my life. I went every year up til the summer before grade 7. That last summer was possibly one of the most amazing ones of my entire youth. I met three amazing kids I spent one entire week with. Rhianna, Zac and Kyle. The four of us were inseperable for that week. Rhianna and Zac were beyond cute, they were almost like a couple? I don't really know, it was so long ago. I just remember being totally and hopelessly in love with Kyle. it was BRUTAL. I actually still think of him on occasion, 9? years later.
Anyway, then I moved to Caistor. I never made a single friend at that school. Everyone was so fake. I hated it. I hated it so much. I had to endure two years of that. Then I went to high school, which wasn't much better. Trust me when I say I hated high school. That's when I was actually depressed. Grade 10 was hard for me. Not the work or anything, but in my head. I was having a hard time getting friends and keeping them. I had a couple from Hamilton ditch me and that hit me hard. I had been shut down for the school play that year, and that hit me hard too. Drama class was pretty brutal too. I had girls in that class that hated me for some reason. I didn't let it show that that bothered me though, I just sent them snappy remarks back. Mostly insulting their intelligence.
I got shut down by guys right and left too. I never, ever had luck with guys. Ever.
So everything that happened that year contributed to probably the worst couple months of my life. I was despressed. Hardcore. Around my 16th birthday i was pretty much the lowest I had ever been. No one in my real life knew. I was withdrawn a bit yeah, but other than occasional mood swings I feel like I hid it pretty well.
The next year I tried out for, and made in a way, the improv team. Through that I met a lot of new people at South and a few from GSS as well. And an amazing things happened through the day we went to the improv workshop. I managed to get teamed up with this guy named Max. We basically did the activitied as fast as we could then sat around and talked all day. I gave him my email that day and I talked to him a few times on MSN but nothing ever came of it. The day my team competed in the Improv games though, I was cut from the team. That pretty much ruined my self esteem.
I finally found a group of girls that took me as I was in Grade 11. I hung out with them and I still talk to three of them to this day, four years later. But the problem was, it was too late. I had put in my papers to go to GSS for Grade 12.
That summer, I met someone who like... liked me. His name was Josh and he lived in Missouri. A part, a LARGE part of my life was lived online, because I didn't feel like I could talk to anyone I knew in real life. So I went online with it. I had a plethora of online journals and communities I was a part of, but none of them as large or as influential as Dashtabs. I met tons of people who meant a lot to me at the time there. I actually still talk to a handful of them. I first joined Dashtabs in the summer of 2002, but it wasn't til 2003 that I started going there and chatting on the message boards religiously. Somehow I met Josh and we started talking and eventually we "dated" if you could call it that. I spent a lot of time talking to him and we actually did meet in real life and he was my first kiss. At 17. We were together for two years before we called it quits. THAT sent me into a bit of a downward spiral but I trekked through it and the only thing it left me with is a bad taste for relationships and some alright memories.
Before I get into Grade 12, I have to address my work situation. The summer before grade 11 I got a job at Wendy's in Grimsby. I managed to hold out there for four and a half years. Anyway, within that time, I met and befriended a lot of people. Jes being one that I still talk to, Tyler, being another. And all the kids I met later, Braeden, Phil, Cud, etc. Anyway, I became comfortbale there and I had some really good times.
Grade 12 rolled around and I was miserable. I was supposed to concentrate on school so I could get into university but i did exactly the opposite. I screwed around, slept through class and got shit marks. I also failed my first class ever. Fuck you Data Management. The only good thing that came from Grade 12 was rugby. I found a new sport that I liked. And I had a lot of fun playing it. Anyway, I ended my high school career not enjoying myself. Halfway through grade 12 was when I was "together" with Josh so it that took up a lot of my time that should have been spent being a regular teenager.
I went to college the next year, at 17. Niagara College of Applied Arts and Technology. For Journalism-Print.
Which also lead to my brief stint as a photographer and writer and took me to some sweet shows with some sweet bands, most of which don't exist anymore but I still talk to a ton of the people I met. It showed me that I wasn't meant for menial newspaper garbage.
Anyway, that all lead up to me being who I am today, and if you ever was wondering about my past and why I'm the person I am, that's the story.
I'm sure I missed a LOT but that's all I feel like writing right now.

it's been a while

I'm back. Hihelloyo.

Well there's a lot I could talk about
and a lot I'd LOVE to say
but only so much can go on the internets you know?
Besides, what's the point of having the intelligence of a rocket scientist and the body of a supermodel when there's no one to share it with?
hahahahaha
k I'm going to go shower and probably edit this later.

hahahaha 00*s.

6 = O
0 = M
4 = u
2 = K
5 = I
* = p
3 = l


5 br62e 0y eff5ng 2eyb6ard.
5'0 *retty 05ssed.
5 s*53eed 6range 145ce 6n 5t a few days ag6 and n6w that 5t's w6r25ng, 5t's n6t w6r25ng r5ght!!!
hahahahaha 0an 5f y64 can 4nderstand 0e 5 g5ve y64 three th40bs 4*.
6ther than that have n6th5ng t6 say.
rea33y.

life and .... stuff

College is frustrating. When you don't belong there, mostly I guess. I really don't belong there. I'm (here's me being humble) way too smart. I should be in University. But I was a slacker in high school and didn't get good enough marks.
Between 15 hours of class a week, 20+ hours of work a week, riding, and general galavanting around, I don't have time for essentials. I don't eat, I don't sleep, I rarely see my family. I really don't know what I'm doing right now.
The not eating thing is my own fault.
Have you ever wanted something so badly you'd do anything to get it?
I right now have something like that. Something I want so much, I feel like I need it. He just doesn't know it.
Or he does and he's just being a jackass. What else can I do to make myself desireable? I am always there when I say I will be, I'll go out of my way to do something for him. I try to be mad, but I can't even stay that way when I see him. I've been ruining myself for him. I know it's not healthy or good or anything. But I need it.
I have no power over this and I don't like it one bit. I don't like getting so frustrated about something like this.
maybe you could keep me up in bed
If you know who you are, know
You've brought me home. I was drifting. I was driftwood. I just need something a little more solid.
You could provide that.
I'm not perfect.

reliving the past

ok, so I was going though my recentest no longer in use journal, from when I was 16/17, and I can't help but notice a trend in how I feel and what happens in my life.
and I really wish I could stop being such a freaking dumbass when it comes to life, but it seems like I'm just not equipped with the skills to do so. Like usually, people find someone they want to be with (a significant other, if you will) all the time, in real life, flesh bone etc etc. I seem to not be able to do that. Technically, I've had one boyfriend my entire life, and he lived and still lives 12 hours away. I've met him once and it was for about 2 days give or take a few hours.
Now, I'm not saying I haven't found other people attractive, because I definitely do, but I've never had that awesome emotional connection with anyone I know in real life. I have some awesome friends, yes, but... it's just not the same. Maybe I'm just one of those ridiculous freaks of nature and I need constant assurance and reassurance about basically everything, but I just can't find logical local love.
This one boyfriend I did have, though, I know I love. It's weird and awkward and very unfulfilling, but it's still love. It's way too bad I'm not some sort of millionaire so I could go see him every few weeks. Everyone always told me to find someone closer, yadda yadda, but I didn't. I'm pretty much starved for attention right now. From anyone really. I have my friends, and they're great, but it's just not enough, you know? I really do need something more. Being starved for anything is not a good feeling. It can only be put up with for so long.

something I don't understand

Suicide bombers. Seriously. If you think about it, what purpose do they have? You can go into somewhere and blow a whole lotta shit up, but what's it going to accomplish? No one will really know what message you're trying to convey if you blow yourself up.
I think it would be more effective if you made some sort of non-violent stand. I may think that because I'm some sort of pacifist sucker, but whatever. Although I do say killing people makes you awesome, I never really mean it.
This whole bombing in London is a little ridiculous. Al-Qaieda whatever, It doesn't matter who is bombing and who is being bombed, it's all stupid nonetheless.
It will get thrown in the news for a couple days, then it will disappear just like all the other bombings in all the other cities in the world.
Maybe something constructive could catch the attention of the world and keep it. Earth and its inhabitants have ADD. It's gotta be shiny and really really interesting if you want to make a change to how people live.

oh jeez

I should not be held on a pedestal like this.
I'm not that special.
trust me.

so, back to complaining

Work, especially fast food, stinks. Seriously. I don't think I'm ever unhappy until I know I have to deal with being at work. I can be in the best of moods because I've been out with friends, or at riding or whatever, but as soon as I get there it's like this giant vaccuum of grumpiness. Which, right now, I don't need.
What I need is a better paying job. getting 10 cents more than minimum wage just isn't cutting it any more. I have bills, debts, and crap to spend my money on. Like right now, I owe my parents over $1800 because of school and my freaking car. which, by the way, keeps needing random repairs.
I still owe about $200 on my visa because all my pay was going to my car, rather than the $120 I need each month for riding. Which is due this thursday and I don't have money for it right now either.
ALSO I'm looking to buy the horse I've been riding recently. If his owner decides he's for sale. That would be another $4000 I need to find. Plus whatever board would be each month for him. And vet bills. and farrier bills, and all of those other random things that go with owning a horse.
Now, for the money I owe my parents, I think that applying for scholarships for next year will do me some good. I definitely had the marks last semester. 82% average my first year of college. Not too shabby considering I slept a lot during class. And did most of my assignments the couple hours before they were due.
and then, there are my friends. I love them, they are awesome, but god damn sometimes it's like "hello, I'm still here, and I need attention too"
not naming names, but I want my The Reason cd back. You said you'd return it sunday. It's now wednesday.
but it's almost 3am, so I think it's high time I went to bed.

never work in fast food

I've been an employee of the wendy's corportion for almost three years now. I'm making $7.55/h. Adult minimum wage is $7.45.
I absolutely hate my job. Like, it's not just a general discomfort and frustration, it's an absolute and complete loathing for everything about the place. (except some of the people I work with). If there was anything else I could do to hate the place more, I would.
I think I'll go into detail about how much I hate it after I work.
I have to leave now.

hello and welcome.

So I decided to go (professional?)
I have a livejournal, but I think it's time I matured.
I'll still use that
but this will be for mature things.
So, I'm Ariel. this is my blog.