reliving the past

ok, so I was going though my recentest no longer in use journal, from when I was 16/17, and I can't help but notice a trend in how I feel and what happens in my life.
and I really wish I could stop being such a freaking dumbass when it comes to life, but it seems like I'm just not equipped with the skills to do so. Like usually, people find someone they want to be with (a significant other, if you will) all the time, in real life, flesh bone etc etc. I seem to not be able to do that. Technically, I've had one boyfriend my entire life, and he lived and still lives 12 hours away. I've met him once and it was for about 2 days give or take a few hours.
Now, I'm not saying I haven't found other people attractive, because I definitely do, but I've never had that awesome emotional connection with anyone I know in real life. I have some awesome friends, yes, but... it's just not the same. Maybe I'm just one of those ridiculous freaks of nature and I need constant assurance and reassurance about basically everything, but I just can't find logical local love.
This one boyfriend I did have, though, I know I love. It's weird and awkward and very unfulfilling, but it's still love. It's way too bad I'm not some sort of millionaire so I could go see him every few weeks. Everyone always told me to find someone closer, yadda yadda, but I didn't. I'm pretty much starved for attention right now. From anyone really. I have my friends, and they're great, but it's just not enough, you know? I really do need something more. Being starved for anything is not a good feeling. It can only be put up with for so long.